I think we all have them. Those moments where you are just so sure that you're not going to be able to do it. It's simply not going to work out. You just can't swing it, might as well throw in the towel, move back home and wait for mom or dad to make you some mac and cheese. The jig is up. It is so obvious that you are a gigantic, adult shaped baby.
My latest meltdown was on my second consecutive snow day after #Snowpocalypse2015. I was already stressing about the money I hadn't been making, and I headed to a meeting with a temp agency downtown. So there I am, in heels and a dress, stomping thorough two and a half feet of snow up Beacon Hill. As you may have guessed by my ominous foreshadowing, I did not have a lot of fun. They told me some super helpful things I already knew like "Wow, you're almost a year out from graduation" and "The longer that gap in your resume gets...hiring managers don't like that. It makes them think 'oh, she doesn't have initiative'" and "You're going to be going up against people who have maybe been working in an office for two years" and just a pinch of of "I mean...unless you want to be a nanny forever." Ouch. Really hit the trifecta there, the only button they missed was "It really seems like you've been struggling with your weight lately."
Later that day, I sat in bed playing Jelly Splash on my phone (as you do) and I just could not get past one particular level. I was stuck, playing this same dumb level over and over again and never quite beating it. Are you following me, folks? The Jelly Splash level was the same as my life. So, natch I started to cry. Just laying in my bed playing Jelly Splash with tears streaming down my face. I don't want to be a nanny forever! I graduated basically a million years ago and I haven't done anything that anyone in a position to hire me cares about. I'll never be able to compete! How do they expect anyone to clear all this grey slime with only 15 moves? This went on for a while longer. It was all very melodramatic.
What happened next? I beat the Jelly Splash level. I'm not kidding this is literally what happened. So I thought "well if the Jelly Splash level is my life this has to be good right? I mean, I know that eventually I'll beat the metaphorical Jelly Splash level of finding a first job." Ridiculous? Yes. But being too ridiculous to ignore is kind of my brand, so I decided not to ignore that tiny, reassuring thought. And then I got myself together and applied for a whole ton of jobs, went on a series of amazing interviews and landed my dream job. Just kidding, I got up, reheated some fried rice and watched Treehouse Masters.
But here's the thing: that's okay. It's okay to have a meltdown, and it's okay to eat leftovers and watch TV after you do. The next day I was proactive, I made an appointment at Career Services and kept applying to jobs. But in that moment, I accepted the uncertainty without anxiety. I took care of Julianna the person, and let Julianna the job searcher, Julianna the life improver, whatever, take a break until I felt better. I felt terrible about myself, but instead of beating myself up and spending the entire night feeling awful, as I've done in the past, I made a conscious choice to be gentle with myself and deal with one moment at a time. Pretty adult, if you ask me.
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