Miss Manners

I love manners.  I'm certainly not going to say that mine are as good as they should be all the time, but I am gonna say I love it when someones gives a pack of thank you cards as a graduation gift.  You don't have to share my zeal for manners and obsession with winning the heart of every grandparent in America; but you do have to have decent manners.  Not only is it just part of living in society and respecting the way other people feel, people will like you more and want to spend more time with you, and ditching rudeness helps you portray yourself as a mature and capable person.

Be on time

I try really hard to be on time and consequentially, spend a lot of time waiting for people who are late.  The epidemic of young people being late is at atrocious proportions. This is all I need to say about being late:

There is no such thing as fashionably late before 8pm or when someone is cooking.

When people are always having to wait for you you're sending one of two messages. You don't value other peoples time and/or you can't get your shit together. Neither is a good look. 

Seriously, show up on time.  To everything.

Respect boundaries in conversation 

I am an over-sharer, and I come from a long line of over-sharers so I have to be particularly careful about this.  A good rule of thumb is to avoid talking about health issues, money, and intense emotional experiences, yours or others, in casual conversation.  NEVER talk about your sex life in mixed company.  I am astounded by how many people put that stuff on blast.  It's not a sex negative thing, its that most people are uncomfortable hearing that information from people other than partners and close friends. And it's extremely disrespectful to your partner/partners to make something they thought was private public info.  I am particularly distressed  when people in monogamous relationships do this because we all know who you're talking about and it's super weird. If you think something will be okay but aren't sure you can say something like "is it okay if I ask how much that cost?" or "do you mind if I tell a story about my weird gynecologist who looks like Mike Dukakis?" and give them the opportunity to say "I'd rather you didn't"

Put your phone away

I know, you're just checking it real quick. But for the person who is trying to talk to you, it never seems as quick as it does for you.  If you are having a conversation with someone it shouldn't even be in your hand.  If you're not willing to tell the person in front of you that what's going on on your phone is more important/critical than they are put it away.  If it's actually urgent tell them, deal with it, and put. it. away. 

Send cards

It's always so great to get something nice in the physical mail, plus I do want the USPS to be solvent, so I advise you to send cards.  Like, with envelopes and stamps. 

Level One (Honestly even children should do this): Send thank you cards.  You know the deal, you send these after job interviews, when someone gives you a gift, or helps you out in a major way.  When you invited along to a dinner out, family vacation, skydiving expedition, etc and someone else pays for you, that's a gift and warrants a note. Sometimes, an email thank you is appropriate.  If you don't even say thank you, you need to reevaluate your life.  

Level Two (Impressive): Send birthday, sympathy, congratulation, and get well cards. When your parents call you and tell you random news about a family friend, old teacher, or neighbor, this is what you are supposed to do with that information.

Level three (Maximum): Send Holiday Cards.  Nobody expects them from 23 year olds, that's why its so fun to send them. 

Quit condescending to older people 

I mean, this is basically "respect your elders" which I firmly believe (in most cases.)   Someone who had experienced double the life you have so far by the time you were born might know some things you don't.  Using a cutsey pet name for someone who was raising a child when you were still trying to figure out what you were supposed to use your feet for is arrogant and super dismissive. I also hate the whole "cute old lady/man" thing we throw at folks over 70.  I have the utmost admiration for my grandmother, I'm not going to talk to/about her like I would a puppy. Actually, I'm a firm believer in not condescending to anyone, even kids.  

Don't show up to parties empty handed 

You don't need to roll up with pinterest-worthy baked goods, but a bottle of wine, a bag of chips, or some flowers is nice, depending on the type of gathering.  Better yet, ask the host what they need.  Sometimes you won't even have to buy anything, they might want an extra cooler or for you to bring that game you have that everybody likes. 

Ask what you can do to help

When we were growing up, me and my brother and sister didn't learn that "please" and "thank you" are the pair that make up basic manners.  There is also, just as importantly, "what can I do to help?" I distinctly remember my mom, when reminding us to be on our best behavior would repeat "please, thank you, what can I do to help?" Don't just sit there like a lump!  Some people are particular about guests helping and will decline.  I guarantee even these folks appreciate you asking.  You also need to do this when you go back and visit family.  When I'm at a friends parents and they lounge around while their mom runs around like a chicken with its head cut off to make us dinner I LOSE IT.

Be a gracious guest

If someone worked hard to make a meal for you, you need to try every part of it.  I once served dinner to kids I was babysitting and the three year old asked me why I wasn't having any fish.  When I told her I don't care for fish, she literally said "how can you know that if you didn't try it?" Owned by a toddler.  Don't refuse food unless you're allergic or have a dietary restriction, which you should have made your host aware of well in advance.  Bonus manners tip: try it before you start adding stuff.  If you immediately slather food in sauce or butter or start going crazy with the salt it's like saying "I'm not going to even try this before I assume it's not good enough the way you served it." It's a lot of work to serve a nice meal, the least you can do is give the food a chance.  (The second least you can do is offer to do some dishes)

Rein in the profanity 

I like a well placed swear word as much as the next sassy twenty something blogger,and I have a soft spot in my heart for vulgar female comedians, though I will say my swearing rate fell off a cliff when I started working with kids all the time, and have occasionally been asked if I don't swear at all after replacing a few choice words with "frick" or "booty."  Swearing all the time is a sure fire way to sound like a teenager.  If you are swearing more than the people around you, you're swearing too much.  Don't swear at work.  If you know someone doesn't like to hear cussing, don't swear around them. Don't swear in front of other people's kids.  If you're swearing in a place where kids are they hear you and some poor parent (or babysitter!) has to deal with it.

Dress presentably

I'm not going to slut or body shame you or tell you you should embrace my lifestyle of only wearing 100% cotton clothes that come from Old Navy.  I want you to be comfortable and express yourself! But you should at least be clean and dressed appropriately for what you're doing/who you're seeing, if only to show people that you respect them enough to change out of your pajamas.  "Get through my day without seeing any strangers butts" is a very reasonable desire that a lot of people have.  We should respect it by only showing our butts to people who want to see them.  Not that your butt isn't great, but margaritas are great too, doesn't mean I want one on the Orange Line at 8 AM.  

Keep your hands to yourself 

Don't touch people who don't want to be touched.  Don't touch things that belong to other people that they don't want touched.  Don't grub all up on that person that does want to be touched around folks who don't want to see it.  There are many opinions on what kind of PDA is too far, I am of the opinion that in mixed company kisses that could be reasonably described as "pecks" are okay in limited quantities, as is hand holding, single arms around shoulders or waists and unsexy hugging.  Basically I don't do anything to my boyfriend in front of family members that I wouldn't also do to a family member.  It makes you look not only rude, but immature, to be getting down in public.  You are a grown person who has full control of their hormones and faculties, show it. 

Riding in Style- Buying a Car (Pt 2)

So you've picked out the car you want!  Hooray!!  Don't fall in love with it too soon though, counting your chickens before they hatch and whatnot.  Now you have to go see it in person.

First things first, call the seller to set up a time to see it.  It's obvious why you have to do this if you're buying from an individual, but with a dealership they'll make sure its avalible for you when you get there.  Show up at that time and say to the first employee who approaches you "I called about seeing the [car] at [time]" and they'll hook you up.

Test drive it, see if it feels right and runs well.  Make sure you get up to highway speeds at some point.  Check out the service record.

Once you've decided to buy it is when it gets real nerve-racking.  If you're going to be financing you have to do some research on that front too.  The usual rules apply, read everything you sign, get everything in writing, find out about fees and other costs.  Make sure there's no penalty for paying off the loan early.  Get all warranty information.   Dealerships will try to sell you a bunch of protection packages and stuff, be firm in saying no.  I HIGHLY recommend bringing an expert level adult to this meeting, someone who has done it before.

Don't forget that when you buy your car, you also have to pay sales tax on it.  This will come out of your down payment.  I put $1500 down on my car, but only about $1000 went towards the sticker price.  In Massachusetts you'll pay 6.25% of the purchase price right to the Commonwealth.  Unless you have really good credit and a great financing deal, you cannot borrow this money, you need it upfront.  You also need to pay a Certificate of Title fee ($80 in MA,) and a Registration and Inspection fee ($92.50) and a Documentation fee to the dealer (mine charged $298) meant to cover the cost to them of processing the documents.  These last three may be rolled right up into your loan. I was expecting the tax and various RMV fees, but was surprised by the documentation fee.  So you might think, great, this car costs $7998 and I'm putting down $1500, I'll be sitting pretty with a $6498 loan.  FALSE.  Add in all those fees and I'm paying $8987 and change, and strolling out owing $7487, despite giving them $1500.  Also recall that you've just bought insurance, which we can discuss at a later date.

Now, in case you were like "ugh, I still have way too much money I wish someone else would take some" have no fear, because depending on what state you live in, you may get an excise tax bill in a few weeks.  When mine showed up unexpectedly, mass.gov helpfully informed me that "An excise is a tax upon an event or privilege. A motor vehicle and trailer excise is in lieu of a tangible personal property tax and is levied for the privilege of registration." Personally, I think referring to registering your car as a "privilege" is kind of rich, but whatever, societies have rules.   In MA they use the list price of the car when it was new, along with how old it is to determine its value and tax you accordingly at $25 per thousand. The age of the car makes a huge difference here.  A new car originally valued at $20,000 is gonna mean a $450 excise bill.  A five year old car that cost $20,000 new gets you a $50 excise bill.  Mine is under $25, because I live the high life.  You need to pay excise taxes every year. Check out how it works in your state with the power of Google.

When I bought Pod I went to the dealership three times.  Once to test drive it and sign the things that said I intended to buy it.  The second time I brought backup, and signed to make everything official with the finance guy.  It is at this meeting that you're supposed to have your insurance information.  In many states you need insurance to drive off the lot.  I had not yet bought insurance and it was embarrassing. I was able to get it online that afternoon and call him with the info.  I went back a third time to pick it up, because once you make it official you need to wait till the plates are good to go.

Then you drive away in your cool new car!  You are now riding in style!  Now all you need to worry about is insurance, maintenance, accidents, gas prices, irregularities in your tires, etc.  As my Dad would say "ahhh.. the joys of motoring."