Non fiction always has a loooong subtitle, so here it is in full: The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles
That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better (and Other People’s Lives Better, Too)
by Gretchen Rubin
General impressions: thought provoking, accessibly written, not a favorite.
In the book, Rubin argues that the different ways we respond
to expectations influence the way we do just about everything. The critical
distinction, she says, is whether those expectations come from ourselves, or
others. Internal vs External expectations. The various combinations of
responses to each type determine which of four Tendencies you fall into.
You can take a quiz here to find out your tendency! You can also be a bit of a combination of two
adjacent ones.
I couldn’t identify mine to my satisfaction, which might be
part of why I wasn’t crazy about this book. For most of the questions in the
quiz, I didn’t feel like any of the answers sounded like me, and reading the
books there were parts of three of the four that I identified with, but also parts
that didn’t sound like me at all. I can rule out “rebel” with confidence
though, if you can believe that.
“Upholders” respond well to both internal and external
expectations. A bunch of huge nerds, basically. Doing what they’re “supposed”
to do comes naturally for upholders. On the flip side, upholders can be a bit
too rigid, feel compelled to follow rules that don’t necessarily make sense,
and struggle when expectations aren’t clear. This is me signaling every turn in
an empty parking lot.
“Obligers” are the largest group, and they respond well to
external expectations, but not so well to internal ones. One example she gives
is a friend who doesn’t understand why she can’t motivate herself to start
running, because when she was on a track team she never missed practice. These
folks are reliable friends and colleagues, but feel they often let themselves
down. This is me being unable to turn down any requests to babysit, then
realizing I’ll never see the inside of my home again.
She suggests people in this group figure out creative ways
to make internal expectations external, like having a buddy at work who is also
resisting the donuts, or sending a chapter of the novel you want to write to a
friend each week. She even gives an example of a pair of running buddies who bring one of the other person's shoes home with them, knowing the other can't get their run in if they don't show up keeps them accountable.
“Rebels” resist both outer and inner expectations. They prioritize
self-determination and are often less likely to do something because it’s
expected or they’ve been asked to do it. Rebels are often frustrated with
themselves because they resist even their own expectations. I don’t think this
is ever me, but if you have an example, I’d love to hear it!
“Questioners” are the second largest group, they respond
well to internal expectations, and not external ones. They like to examine
every rule/expectation, collect all the info, and then just do what makes sense
to them. Essentially, they look at all expectations and decide if they’re good
enough to internalize. The negative side being that they may overwhelm themselves
with options or information, or drive people up the wall with their constant
questions. I’m at my most Questioner when researching the benefits of a goal I’m
considering making, no matter how minor the actual change would be.
Miles is a total questioner, there have been times when I’ve
asked him to help me with something and he will actually say to my ears something
like “there’s literally no benefit to doing that.” If I can come up with a
benefit, he’s suddenly happy to do it. To his credit, “it will make me feel
better” is usually a compelling enough benefit.
I have two main issues with this book. One is that it feels
like Rubin got her hands on a hammer and now everything is a nail. I think it’s interesting and certainly helpful
to look at how we respond to expectations and how others might respond
differently, but I personally don’t think it impacts as much of what we do as
Gretchen does. I also think the framework is a bit too simple to call a “Personality
Profile.” When I think of my relationship to expectations, the thing that
impacts my life most is the tendency to think in my brain that expectations I
put on myself, or just completely made up, have been put on me by other people,
then wear myself down and resent those people, who have never said or even
implied that they had that expectation. But that’s not one of the types.
The other one is that it was tough to relate to this
framework as a person with depression. When I’m depressed I respond in a completely
different way to expectations than when I’m not. Since your Tendency is
described as fundamental and unchanging, I’m not sure how that fits in. When I’m
mildly depressed I can’t meet my own expectations, and it can be helpful to
make them external. When I’m super depressed, external expectations feel like
unbearable assaults, and my most mild internal expectations are a lifeline (for
example, “I will take a shower today.”) I also know some people who you might
initially categorize as a “Rebel” but really, they just have ADD or a defiant
streak.
To be fair, the book says these aren’t all encompassing of who
we are, that our individual personalities also have a huge effect on all these
things, and that you’re not supposed to pigeonhole yourself or others by
Tendency, and instead use it as a tool for thinking about how we respond to
expectations. The whole thing is an interesting idea, and I always root for self-examination
so if this resonates with you, you might enjoy the book very much, especially if you're looking for specific strategies. I found it
overly rigid and limiting, but then again, Gretchen is a classic upholder.
