I Read it So You Don't Have To: The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin

Non fiction always has a loooong subtitle, so here it is in full: The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better (and Other People’s Lives Better, Too) by Gretchen Rubin

General impressions: thought provoking, accessibly written, not a favorite.

In the book, Rubin argues that the different ways we respond to expectations influence the way we do just about everything. The critical distinction, she says, is whether those expectations come from ourselves, or others. Internal vs External expectations. The various combinations of responses to each type determine which of four Tendencies you fall into.

You can take a quiz here to find out your tendency! You can also be a bit of a combination of two adjacent ones.

I couldn’t identify mine to my satisfaction, which might be part of why I wasn’t crazy about this book. For most of the questions in the quiz, I didn’t feel like any of the answers sounded like me, and reading the books there were parts of three of the four that I identified with, but also parts that didn’t sound like me at all. I can rule out “rebel” with confidence though, if you can believe that.

“Upholders” respond well to both internal and external expectations. A bunch of huge nerds, basically. Doing what they’re “supposed” to do comes naturally for upholders. On the flip side, upholders can be a bit too rigid, feel compelled to follow rules that don’t necessarily make sense, and struggle when expectations aren’t clear. This is me signaling every turn in an empty parking lot.

“Obligers” are the largest group, and they respond well to external expectations, but not so well to internal ones. One example she gives is a friend who doesn’t understand why she can’t motivate herself to start running, because when she was on a track team she never missed practice. These folks are reliable friends and colleagues, but feel they often let themselves down. This is me being unable to turn down any requests to babysit, then realizing I’ll never see the inside of my home again.

She suggests people in this group figure out creative ways to make internal expectations external, like having a buddy at work who is also resisting the donuts, or sending a chapter of the novel you want to write to a friend each week. She even gives an example of a pair of running buddies who bring one of the other person's shoes home with them, knowing the other can't get their run in if they don't show up keeps them accountable.

“Rebels” resist both outer and inner expectations. They prioritize self-determination and are often less likely to do something because it’s expected or they’ve been asked to do it. Rebels are often frustrated with themselves because they resist even their own expectations. I don’t think this is ever me, but if you have an example, I’d love to hear it!

“Questioners” are the second largest group, they respond well to internal expectations, and not external ones. They like to examine every rule/expectation, collect all the info, and then just do what makes sense to them. Essentially, they look at all expectations and decide if they’re good enough to internalize. The negative side being that they may overwhelm themselves with options or information, or drive people up the wall with their constant questions. I’m at my most Questioner when researching the benefits of a goal I’m considering making, no matter how minor the actual change would be.

Miles is a total questioner, there have been times when I’ve asked him to help me with something and he will actually say to my ears something like “there’s literally no benefit to doing that.” If I can come up with a benefit, he’s suddenly happy to do it. To his credit, “it will make me feel better” is usually a compelling enough benefit.

I have two main issues with this book. One is that it feels like Rubin got her hands on a hammer and now everything is a nail.  I think it’s interesting and certainly helpful to look at how we respond to expectations and how others might respond differently, but I personally don’t think it impacts as much of what we do as Gretchen does. I also think the framework is a bit too simple to call a “Personality Profile.” When I think of my relationship to expectations, the thing that impacts my life most is the tendency to think in my brain that expectations I put on myself, or just completely made up, have been put on me by other people, then wear myself down and resent those people, who have never said or even implied that they had that expectation. But that’s not one of the types.

The other one is that it was tough to relate to this framework as a person with depression. When I’m depressed I respond in a completely different way to expectations than when I’m not. Since your Tendency is described as fundamental and unchanging, I’m not sure how that fits in. When I’m mildly depressed I can’t meet my own expectations, and it can be helpful to make them external. When I’m super depressed, external expectations feel like unbearable assaults, and my most mild internal expectations are a lifeline (for example, “I will take a shower today.”) I also know some people who you might initially categorize as a “Rebel” but really, they just have ADD or a defiant streak.

To be fair, the book says these aren’t all encompassing of who we are, that our individual personalities also have a huge effect on all these things, and that you’re not supposed to pigeonhole yourself or others by Tendency, and instead use it as a tool for thinking about how we respond to expectations. The whole thing is an interesting idea, and I always root for self-examination so if this resonates with you, you might enjoy the book very much, especially if you're looking for specific strategies. I found it overly rigid and limiting, but then again, Gretchen is a classic upholder.