When I was a teenager, I just knew that as soon as I went to
college my life could begin, and I would be happy. In college, I figured that as soon as I had
my own place that would be it, then I just needed to graduate. Then I figured
all I needed to be content was a “real job.” Now I have a job, and am sure that
if I made a little more money, and had a nicer place to live all I would need
would be maybe a masters degree and an even better job. By that time, not having kids would be the
only thing standing between me and my perfect life, but once they came along
I’d need a house, and even more money, and oh god I am just an idiot 24 year
old making 33k and my car just got totaled and my facebook friends keep getting
married, and going on business trips, and buying houses and my real life
friends keep inviting me to bars I can’t afford and moving to beautiful one
bedrooms in nice neighborhoods with their significant others and earning enough
degrees to wallpaper my horrible
apartment where I eat hummus for dinner and do frantic calculations and
determine that I am behind in every aspect of my life and I will never catch up
and it’s a disaster and I can’t pinpoint where I went wrong and there is
clearly no path from where I am to where I want to be. AHHAAHHHHHHH!
Intellectually, I know that all of this is absurd. I know
that most of my peers feel this way even, though I have trouble wrapping my
head around it, the one with things that seem so far out of my reach. I have to wonder, are we ever going to have
enough, or be enough? The answer is no,
not if we’re not going to allow it. I
don’t think it’s a bad thing to keep wanting more, to keep striving. I think it’s great, and probably essential
for younger people. But if you keep
moving your target, you’re not ever going to hit it. I think that’s fine, it’s
all about the journey or whatever, but man can it wear on you.
I try my best to make peace with all this, to say hey,
I’m not doing so badly, and most of my days are good days. What trips me up is that it’s impossible
(unless maybe you’re like a monk or something) not to compare yourself to
others. This gets more and more
difficult as time goes on, and the differences in people who used to be peers
lives get starker and starker. My knee
jerk reaction when I see someone with something I’m jealous of is to come up
with some way that I can win. Well, you might have a better job than me, but
I have a nicer boyfriend. And your apartment is beautiful, but some of us have student loans to pay, ~must
be nice~ to be a Rockefeller. Then I try
to correct myself, thinking hey, different people have different paths and
that’s okay, which works for a hot second until I start wondering why their
path is so great, and mine is so stupid.
How come some people get to cruise down scenic byways while my life
feels like 93 at rush hour? And it’s not
even fair, cause I’m a really nice lady who’s smart and good at stuff! This leads exactly where you would expect,
with a lot of icky resentment for friends having good things happen for them,
and frustration and anger with myself, for not being able to build the life I
want RIGHT NOW. I can certainly see the
temptation to retreat into a smug sense of superiority, to convince yourself
not to be upset because deep down you know that you’re just a better person then them and that’s what
really matters.
Another thing I do, and I think this is something everyone
does, probably exacerbated by my depression, is to totally over value the
negative stuff. Like I’ll think, hey I
have a great job I really like it and I’m learning a lot! BUT it’s not my dream job, and I wish I made
more money. I might as well move “Job”
over to the negative category. I
live in a beautiful, historic city with access to almost everything I could
ever want to do, within 5 miles of a majority of my friends, and sometimes I
see something really wonderful and think “I cannot believe I actually live
here.” But the rent is high, and the T
is crowded, and there are too many smart people around and suddenly I’ve
decided Boston is ruining my life. Nothing is ever going to be perfect, and I am never going to be perfect either. If I keep hating on everything that isn't perfect I'm going to be extremely miserable.
So I’ve decided that there are two people I will compare
myself to, and it’s totally fair, because I have an honest, non social media
filtered, complete picture of their lives.
They are me, age 22, and me, age 17.
I picked me at 22 because I had just graduated from college, and was
just starting the chapter of my life that I’m currently in. It’s close enough to now that I have no
nostalgia about it. I put my 17 year old
self in there as a counter to the excess pressure we put on ourselves, because
17 year old Julianna was doing whatever the opposite of killing it is, and I’d
really have to crash and burn to not come out ahead of her. Here is a sample exercise:
Work:
17- Can’t even get a job at the mall.
22- Has no idea what she wants to do, watches kids, sends
out resumes, cries.
24- Had a good job, gets paid time off, taking an indirect
route towards long term goals.
Home:
17- Lives in a sweet house in the burbs, has a half bath she
hardly ever has to share. (I will admit, 17 year old me comes out ahead here,
but it may not be a fair comparison)
22- Lives in an okay apartment in a convenient neighborhood,
but some of her best friends are there.
24-Now hates said apartment and convenient neighborhood, can
actually afford to move to better apartment, better (read: fewer drunk people)
neighborhood.
Love:
17- Completely thoughtless and must be stopped.
22- Has a really great boyfriend
24- Same great boyfriend but now she gets invited to
Christmas.
$$$$
17- Barely enough to put gas in her Moms car.
22- Able to buy everything she needs, as long as it costs
less than $500.
24- Gets paid every
week, has a 403(b), owns literally thousands of dollars.
Hobbies:
17- Facebook chat, going to the mall, crying
22- Wine, neopets, netflix, pub food
24-Wine, actual books, netflix, cooking
I invite everyone to try my exercise, and keep pushing
against that little/giant voice that says you’re not doing it right, that you
don’t have it together. As far as I’m concerned,
if you can look back at where you’ve been and then at where you are and feel
like you’re moving in the right direction you’re doing alright. And remember my mom’s sage advice- between
your job, your home, and your relationship (or lack thereof) if you are happy
with two out of the three in your twenties you’re doing pretty well.
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